Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.
Halloween at the Hospital
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Bump...Bump...
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin ...
... and of course ...
... the coffin stops!
Wolfman
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Rocky
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
One-Liners
Q. In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
A. The living room.Q. What do Skeletons say before eating?
A. Bone Appetite.Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A. To improve his bite!Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A. A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!Q. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
A. Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite...Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...Q. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A. No, they eat the fingers separately...Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare Centers.Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A. Booberries...Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport?
A. Casketball...Q. What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A. Shrinkenstein...Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Do you believe in people?"Q.Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
A. He was caught drinking on the job.Q. What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A. She flies off the handle.Q. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
A. Women can see right through them.Q. Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
A. They're so wrapped up in themselves...Q. What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A. Dead ends...Q. What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A. Fasten your sheet belts...Q. What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A. A blood vessel...Q. What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A. A scareplane...Q. What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
A. Bloodhounds...Q. What's a ghoul's favorite game?
A. Hide-And-Go-Shriek!Q. How does a ghost celebrate New Year's Eve?
A. He paints the town dead!Q.Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
A. They're a bunch of no bodies.Q. What is in the red blood cells of monsters?
A. Hemogoblin !!!A. What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A. A pumpkin patch.Q. What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
A. WrapQ. Do witches stay home on weekends?
A. No. They go away for a spell.Q. What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night?
A> A cool ghoul!Q. What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
A. Scared stiff.Q. Why didn't Dracula get married?
A. He never met a nice Ghoul!Q. How do you help chickens that are possessed by evil spirits?
A. Get an "eggsorcist" !Q. How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
A. Because he kept his monster in stitches.Q. What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A. Pumpkin PiQ. What are a vampire's favourite snacks?
A. Adam's apples and nectarines.Q. What is a zombie's favourite dessert?
A. Ladyfingers.Q. What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
A. Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies & a salad with boocheese dressing.Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound!Q: Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
A: In a red bloodcell! =Q: What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving! =Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A: Coffin Drops!Q: Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
A: They would only let him be BAT boy!Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: So that they can get a good grip on the broom...Q: Why do ghosts write in Latin?
A: It's a dead language.
Halloween Costumes
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss in Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
The Cab Driver
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Nuns vs Vampire
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield."Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts."Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns."Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"
Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
1. So...What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. You scared me stiff!
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.
11. She's a goblin!
12. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
13. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Let me see your big sack!
17. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
18. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
19. I got the best piece from that house.
20. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
Tap Tap Tap
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Top 10 Signs You're at a Bad Halloween Party
10) Bobbing for Turnips
9) A carved watermelon in the window
8) Most abused substance: Candy Corn!
7) During game of Poker, when you lose a hand, you REALLY lose a hand!
6) No one enters the "Squeal Like A Pig" Room
5) Woman dressed as a witch actually turns the party's drunk into one of the Budweiser Frogs.
4) Everyone uses one of those Monster Eye Straws from Taco Bell to drink from the punch bowl
3) Instead of "Monster Mash", host decides to play the HANSON CD non-stop
2) Several scantily clad women standing by a bedroom door give new meaning to the phrase "Trick or Treat". They're all transvestites!
1) Roseanne shows up in her Pamela Anderson Baywatch costume
Beethoven's Grave
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
The top 15 complaints of the modern day vampire
* 15) Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
* 14) Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
* 13) Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
* 12) Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
* 11) Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any more.
* 10) After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
* 9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
* 8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
* 7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
* 6) No warm blood for miles around DC.
* 5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
* 4) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards
* 3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
* 2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
* 1) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
